I could tell your Nana was a bit sad about this but I just said, Mom, I dont know how or what I am going to be feeling and I just want to be able to be, without having the pressure of having to fake like I am feeling one way, if I am not. She just gave me a squeeze and told me, Of course, honey. Why is the house so quiet? I love you. Ronan. I hope you know I am thankful for you taking the time to learn about Ronan and for every single penny that comes our way. Even on my darkest of days, when nobody knew what to do with me, they stood by me. You are making so many amazing things happen. You know I will always say yes to New York. I wish it didnt have to be this way, but this is the decision I have made. Time to go, little man. Dr. Mosse from Chop. As of now, I cant talk about our news. When I did finally wake up, I felt like I had been hit by a truck; several times. No mother is strong enough to survive something like this. You were mine. My phone rang. You know that speaks volumes in my book. Beauty. Of course my Taylor Swift playlist was playing. https://kjzz.org/content/1737378/you-were-my-best-4-years-scottsdale-mom-reflects-taylor-swifts-rerelease-ronan?fbclid=IwAR0enkIGpunEZ1qheo1ngCebWs7VHK59S0wR3YE7pVWlQJaviWYlMFquNSk. Surgery was done, to remove what was there. It started Wednesday night. Pearl Jam ended the concert with Keep On Rocking In The Free World, and of course I sang along as loudly as I could while I thought of you the entire time. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it makes me smile, it always makes me miss you with everything that I am. My mind is always wandering to where you would be sitting, what you would be eating, how beautiful your little face would have looked lit up by the flickering of the candlelight. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Categories Uncategorized Tags angels, arizona, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, Family, god, Lazer Tag, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Neuroblastoma, Phoenix, Rockstar Ronan, sloan kettering, The Ronan Thompson Foundation, true love 11 Comments on Moneyball, Liz. I am a wealth of knowledge in all things raccoon now. Then perfect your baby has cancer Ronan, but we will fix him. I dont even know what I said but Im sure I was on one of my usual rants about F U Cancer to him. Im in route back to Phoenix on your 21 months since you left this earth. Maybe Ill take in on in my free time. I dont want to talk to much about it because I dont want to jinx myself. I fell asleep early while your brothers played some zombie fighting video game in the living room. I, of course, look for you on every field and on every team. He made fun of them and made me laugh. He is the last person I told today. A dozen times. I dont function well in a bullshit and pretending world. I didnt want everyone in that room to see the data that was being presented in front of their faces in a scientific form. THANK YOU. I miss you. That is important to our family. Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. I had spent so much time working on it, losing sleep over it, and mostly obsessing over it I knew I was going to crack. Now, going back to try to read that book is like a sick joke. Right in the middle of my breakdown, your Sparkly called. Im too sick to laugh. I heard her mom call out her name. Everything I do is for you. I think I need to spread the RoLove around. Alone. He looked at me the other morning and asked what was going on, that I was having such an awful time sleeping. I wanted the data to show your face instead. I know its important to them Ronan and I am so thankful for all the hard work thats going into this disease, but its not enough. It was official. I got through your diagnoses and I had no idea writing about that again would leave my head spinning in the way that it did. Because you know the world I live in now, and you know I am scared shes going to die if you let me go to my due date. He came in beaming and so happy. I am trying my best. I am so glad we are here. I was put under strict orders to slow things down and to stop with the stress. I asked your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. But then I see your Urn staring back at me and I am quickly reminded that it is and there is nothing I can do about it, to bring you back. As frustrated and sad as I am, this just motivates me more to continue this fight. All happy and carefree. The devil was kind of fun to dance with. He always knows best. Ronan. You didnt see everything he went through, but you saw more than most people. ! because thats what I totally felt like. Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control. I dont know what in the world happened, but I spent most of the day wiping tears away from my eyes. This totally brings tears to my eyes because I know he did this for you, and how proud you are of him. Sweet dreams. Ill never forget all the pokies, we had to give you after your rounds of chemo. Nothing more needed to be said as those words were enough. The thought of the ER and the reality that would come with it, kept me at home, chugging Gatorade. I met a friend this morning for coffee. The stars magically aligned for the worst reasons possible so your Fairy RoMo has been in AZ for a little over a week now. Im working on it but my revenge will never serve justice for your death. We spent hours upon hours talking about it. Quinn looked at me and said, Why do you want to name her Poppy? We talked about Poppy for a while. Only to wake up around midnight to toss and turn for the rest of the night. I'm hard on myself and fuck, I just plain miss this. She helped me get through the day. Fernanda. We left our friends and headed off to our new destination. They so want to help with our mission and were so touched by our story that they created this show called Emotional Mojo. Aye! I was always so thankful for what we had. Sweet dreams, little one. I had Quinn call your Nana. "My darling, call the number back." This came from the man who answers every phone call from every unknown number that rings him up . There is nothing sweet and fluffy about having to dig your babies ashes out of his urn to place them in a plastic baggie, so you can take him on a trip with you. I dont know why you continue to do things like this. I forgot to tell you all that I got a phone call from some lovely peeps that run a T.V. I so badly wish you were here. Pregnancy. I pick up and say hello to our favorite lovie and I give him my best Im not crying or sick voice I can. The combination of your beauty and my sadness is more than enough, baby doll. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. How could my baby be just fucking dead? Why are your eyes so red today? He asked. I hope you are safe. Today was one of those days where I just could not stop crying. Depth. That destroys me. This is all for tonight my most beautiful boy. I went to see Dr. JoRo. I know this is not true. I let it continue to play. Of course this left me wiped out so I had to come home and take a bloody nap. May 9th. All day long when I am rocking her in your bedroom and she is looking all around. Just throw a few raccoons my way. I dont think this is normal. I came home and started whipping up the pies that I had promised your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Maybe Ill call it, What To Expect After Losing A Child And Having Another. Throwing you into a warm bath where I would make sure you felt safe, clean, loved and warm. I worry about her so much already. The sweet lady told me it was. They deserve more compassionate treatments. Your brothers happiness is proof of that. This never works, but I will continue to try for the rest of my life. All I can say is I cannot believe all of this. I promise to be the best mama to her. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. Its almost as if you are still around so much that you know when I am struggling, and you send someone into help me out or give me a big fucking sign that everything will work out. It's the "Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes." A lot of you, ask that in my comments. They urged me to go. I know he misses you but for some reason, it hit me really hard today. Once I got to my car, I knew it would be a while before I was able to leave the parking lot. The lady started measuring some things. A coffee for him. If good days existed in my life anymore, today would have been one of them. Having her here is going to be an overwhelming mix of everything and I know, we are each going to need some time with her, just the 4 of us. This is the girl who went skydiving, just because. Happiest Birthday ever to our Fairy RoMo. I came home and fell into a deep sleep. Just because I am tired and sick does not mean I have to roll over and totally give into that, right?? I could hardly get that story out without choking on my tears. Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. I should have been his, for much more than almost 4 years. I gave into it. What I wouldnt give to have my old life back. The bloody hell worst day of my life. Handing her your Rocard. Back when you were healthy and here. I hope you are safe. Then perfect your baby has cancer, Ronan but we cant fix him. I miss you. By taking a little time out to go to New York. What perfect timing. Homemade crust. Nothing in the world will ever taste as good, smell as good, or feel as good as it did when you were here with me. I believe in you, Ronan and you are more than any GOD could ever be. Whatever this baby is, it will be loved. To me, the littlest things can sometimes seem like the most difficult. Welcome to our new home! If you cant be here with me, I will honor you by bringing your little light everywhere that I can. Your brothers want to play as well. Thank you to all of you who are running for Ronan and who have raised so much money for us. Youd think with all the shit I do, that walking into a hospital to get your costume would be easy, right? What I wouldnt give to have just one more second with you. It all started with the meeting of a lady who is such a badass in the cancer world, that Darth Vader would be scared of her. Stacy. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. Because I know you would want it to be this way. Missing you. She told me that she knows that this is a gift from you. Quinn was eating a piece of steak beside me. There was one person I had not told yet. When do you leave for New York? I'm landing close to midnight. A mother doesnt survive something like this. Anybody that says otherwise, can fuck off. Its taken a lot of work to get us to go on in our day to day lives, together, as a family, with such a huge void that never goes away. A life full of moments is what I am left with, Ronan. I just told him I had a lot going on in my head, like always. Her pump, full, lips look just like yours. I know he is connected to your soul and you are to his. Today, my tears were more happy. Reply. You are a writer, plain and simple. I chose to escape instead. No. I felt a connection with her that I often dont feel after just meeting someone for the first time. I have a bunch of families that I will be thinking of, not just our own. I think its really long and Im too sad, to continue on. I remember the way you looked at me through the dinner and waved and laughed. I guess if it doesnt touch your life personally, it is easier just to look the other way and go about your business. I need an intervention. I felt myself slipping into a deep depression that I hadnt felt in a while. I also got to see a good friend of mine, Kristi, and it is always fun to spend some time with her. It was a balloon with a card and a little baggie attached to it. I miss you. She has been diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, but luckily, it has been caught early, at Stage 1. You will never hear me complain about fevers, strep throat, throwing up, etc Those things to me, are blessings. I know tomake a statementlike that is a bold thing to say, but I can say without a doubt, she has saved my life. For the love that was ripped from my arms. I needed the blackness of the night that only exists due to this little frienemy of mine. Trust me. I had just put the apple pie in the oven when your song, Ronan, came on. Alright, Ronan. Get this done. How do I even put into words, who he is? From somebody named Tree. I guess I wrote a lot about having another baby when you were still here. We were invited to a lunch that at a house that lasted much of the day. I think I stumbled on a few things. It cannot be real because it is too awful. You deserved better, Ronan and I will forever be so sorry that after everything that we tried and did for you that it death was still the final outcome. If that doesnt scare the shit out of you, nothing will. I am doing the best I can, working as fast as I can, but I also know this cannot be rushed. This is why they are still in my life. Let him be fine. They are such good little boys. Tell me about your trip. I wiped away my tears and appreciated the way he tried to change the subject. Everything in our lives has changed. Ill bet if we would have lived here, Ronan would not have gotten cancer and died. Guess what? It is already her name, and she is not even here. What is wrong with me? A small part of me thinks that if we had indeed lived in this small little sleepy town, that you would still be here. Thanks, J- for the break, amazing lunch and your dazzling smile. Who is the jackass that made up that wise saying? That pain becomes less as time goes on. I love you. I cried after I dropped your brothers off at school, I cried over every single Taylor Swift song that came on the C.D. The thought of any type of food, makes me nauseous, except pies. Dude. Not right now, but someday you wont be this sad., Me: Im so sad all the time. I may have lost it last week which left me doing my normal screams and crying to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. She will be great to have along with me to help with the business things that we are dealing with. Taken on March 29, 2011. I am so proud of them both not only today, but always. Tomorrow will be better with my sidekick in tow to help out with my crisis which is actually not a crisis at all. I do these things for you. We talk about you a lot. She is so lucky to have him as her Godfather, to love and look after her. Are you o.k. Oh, how you loved that thing. Mascara and snot everywhere. I called your Sparkly up. Ronan. I told her I didnt remember a thing about it except I dont think I cried. We have had those picked out for a long time. You dont. I told your daddy if I had a month, uninterrupted, I could finish it, easily. Its fluff and fluff does not work for me. I know what needs to be done. Im sad. He was my best friend, the love of my life.. this cant be real. I went to the Pearl Jam concert a few nights ago with your daddy, Uncle Jay, and Char. I was so glad I didnt have to sit there alone. Guess what? I said, tears still falling everywhere. I am dying to see our Fairy RoMo, as well. My favorite kind of trip. In the middle of my noyoucannotsoblikeafuckingbabyinfrontofallthesepeopletantrum. I dont like when I have to stay cooped up all day, not running around doing 50 million things. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry., Him: Stop saying youre sorry. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. I set up a little shrine in your room to sit and do my phone call in. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are dead and the world is just going on when mine seems to be standing still. Ronan. If we do have a boy, we have already decided his middle name will be Ronan, of course. I have a few more weeks before I will find out. I left your Sparkly and as I got in the car, I sent him a quick text. She told me she would keep a close eye on me, strip my membranes again, like she did with you if I wanted Poppy to come out a little early.

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